How to enjoy your job

"AHHH. A MAN WITH A SHARP WIT. SOMEONE OUGHT TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM HIM BEFORE HE CUTS HIMSELF"

-Peter da Silva

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Today I was totally on it at work. You know when you're totally in the zone and you zip here zip there and everyone else seems to be moving in slow motion and for a brief fleeting time your daily chore of *kiss* *kiss* "Yes boss" *kiss* *kiss* "Thank You Boss" actually comes out sincere and you enjoy it. Then you start "seeing the matrix" and it starts speaking to you, saying "you should get a raise" because you're now in "Pat myself on the back" mode. And everyone around you notices the different skip in your walk, and also because you're saying the word "Awesome" in between Top Two workplace key words, "Fucking" and "Shit". Then they'll run up to you and ask what's your secret.

Co-Worker: What's with you today?
FuckingAwesomeShit: What do you mean?
Co-Worker: You're like all hyper and shit and have so much energy, you're everywhere today. And you're always smiling like you enjoy work. Did you drink a Red bull today.
FuckingAwesomeShit: Ummmm.... no...
Co-Worker: Oh well then a Rockstar then? Or some other energy drink brand?
FuckingAwesomeShit: Ummm nope.
Co-Worker: Come on what is it, you're like happy to be at work, you must be on something....
FuckingAwesomeShit: Well....... Acutally...... *motions to get closer for THE SECRET*
Co-Worker: Yeah?
FuckingAwesomeShit: I had a fight with my girlfriend.
Co-Worker: Huh?
FuckingAwesomeShit: Yeah! And you know what that means.
Co-Worker: ...............
FuckingAwesomeShit: NO SEX!
Co-Worker: Hahaha What?
FuckingAwesomeShit: Yeah I've been tweaking all week. *makes weird jittery shakes of head and arms*
Co-Worker: Hahaha that fucking sucks. So that's why! Your not getting any huh?
FuckingAwesomeShit: ummmmm I just made up that shit, I was only joking
Co-Worker: Hahaha Whatever....
FuckingAwesomeShit: Where are you goin???
Co-Worker: *walks away toward other co-workers*
FuckingAwesomeShit: Awwww Hell No!!!
Co-Worker: *continues walking toward large group of other co-workers*
FuckingAwesomeShit: You are not going to fucking go to everyone and say Chad's not getting laid.
Co-Worker: *starts talking to the group*
FuckingAwesomeShit: I KNOW YOU CAN FUCKING HEAR ME BITCH!
Co-Worker: Chads not getting any.
FuckingAwesomeShit: SHIT
Co-Worker: That's why he's all hyper and shit.
FuckingAwesomeShit: SHIT
Co-Worker: For like a week now.
FuckingAwesomeShit: Ahhhhhhhhh you FUCKING SHIT!
Other Co-Workers: HAHAHAHA!!!!! That's some FUCKING AWESOME SHIT!
ALL Other Co-Workers: *Looks at me*
FuckingAwesomeShit: WHAT???
Co-Worker: I don't want to enjoy work THAT bad.

I now have two new nicknames....
One is "Red Bull"
The Second starts with TW and rythmes with leak.


Truth be told, I did have an energy drink, but it wasn't Red Bull or Rockstar

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It was late at night and this person, abandoned by society, this vagrant, this derelict, this bum had suddenly lost her jaunty weird walk, her exessively shameless boldful audacity, had lost her annoying efforts to invade my personal space, had lost her constant need to talk to someone even if it was herself, she was shivering, sobbing, crying. I had often thought a good scare, a little pain, some sharp words or a little slap in the face, would be good and benifical for... what's the word or phrase, "people like that", would teach them that life is serious, life is about responsibility, life is hard work, it's not about being lazy, not about bothering me for handouts or begging for things you should earn yourself. Now, seeing this person fearful, dejected, pained and lost, I had to look away. I didn't know why but I had the feeling that I'd lost something, that me and the world....

had both lost something.

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~Overnight Sexcess~

There’s just something about Whole Foods.....

"NOT A SHRED OF EVIDENCE EXIST IN FAVOR OF LIFE BEING SERIOUS"

-Brendan Gill
The New Yorker

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There's just something about this new organic super market that just opened up in Kahala Mall that always has me having to think quickly on my feet. Or maybe I'm just looking for trouble in new places....

People keep telling me, how now that Whole Foods is open, I can go in like a normal person and don't have to sneak in.....

I was on my phone with a friend and noticed people inside doing stuff. So being curious I went in to check it out, only to be stopped by a security guard, listening to her asking me who I was and what I'm doing. At that moment I slowly realized, "oops! they're not open", so me being me, and totally panicking, cuz I didn't want to say, "oh I'm a dumbass and didn't realize you weren't open", I put on my poker face, mumbled something about being a food vendor, wrote down my fake stripper name and then the time on the check list, she grumbled something that was somewhat unladylike but still slapped on my visitor pass and then I found myself inside amongst a host of construction workers bending over and showing me way too much, employee training that made second guess if I ever wanted to come back, food delivers which prompted a "Is that really organic?" and asked myself one simple question....

"the hell did I just do????"

I guess I must have said it out loud because I was approached and asked if I needed help. Getting in was kind of easy, getting out was a whole other story.

Anyways eventually I found myself there when it was open, and I don't normally try to punch time with women that have kids but a guy gets bold and she had some interesting things in her cart. So grabbing the first thing I could reach on the shelf and then walking up, I asked her if she had any recipes for it. And she was like "Are you for real?" and I was like, "What?", she put down whatever she was looking at and said, "You're asking me for recipes for cereal?" Looking down, I noticed my left hand holding a box of cereal. "umm..... yeah that's right". To which I got a "just adding milk too much for you to remember? Besides I bet you can cook much better then me". I stiffened up straight and look more shocked than if she had slapped me, and was like, "she knows....". Looking down at the floor I admitted, "Yeah that was pretty lame wasn't it". Then she simply smiled at me, not in a nice way, not in a mean way, but that smile you give someone to say, "I find your bullshit amusingly cute, now I want to see how you're going to attempt to get out of this one". So since I was already in deep, I just decided to jump right in and speak from the heart. "Yeah you're right", I replied, "That wasn't really what I wanted to talk to you about....". Nodding her head triumphantly she said, "oh really?" and then I grabbed a second box of cereal and finished, "Yeah I really wanted to know what you think about these". Confuse she was like, "What I think about what? Cereal?", I just said, "No I mean what do you think about me with this cereal?" And hold up the box to my head. "Do I look more sexy with this cereal or with this one" . She cracked up and snorted at the same time, I don't know what do you called that? So it ended up with her and I going on with a back and forth banter of, this one matches your eyes, but it makes your ass look fat, however that other one, goes well with the stain on your shirt and makes you look sophisticated but gives the image of you're trying to hard.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you ever find yourself in Whole Foods and some guy innocently comes up to you asking for recipes for cereal, let's not hate and be mean, instead be passive-aggressively cool like this girl, smile and call him on his bullshit....

it makes for a better story.

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"I have the measles and the mumps,

A gash, a rash, and purple bumps.

My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,

I'm going blind in my right eye.

My tonsils are as big as rocks,

I've counted sixteen chicken pox.

And there's one more ... that's seventeen!

And don't you think ... my face looks green?

My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,

It might be Instamatic flu.

I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,

I'm sure that my left leg is broke.

My hip hurts when I move my chin,

My belly button's caving in,

My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,

My 'pendix pains each time it rains.

My nose is cold, my toes are numb,

I have a sliver in my thumb.

My neck is stiff, my spine is weak.

I hardly whisper when I speak.

My tongue is filling up my mouth,

I think my hair is falling out.

My elbow's bent - my spine ain't straight.

My temperature is one-o-eight.

My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,

There is a hole inside my ear.

I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...

... WHAT?

What's that? What's that you say?

You say today is ... Saturday?





G'bye, I'm going out to play!"


------ > See you at LOFT openbar event tonight!!!

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-Memoirs Of a Nice Jerk, Overnight Sexcess
Recollections 53: Famous to Infamous

~Overnight Sexcess~

Men are ALL Dogs... Women are ALL ....

We all heard the analogy of men are all dogs. Well I got an equally good analogy for women. First off I'd like to add that I think on average women are more mature, better organized, have greater multi-tasking skills, superior communication skills and usually have their overall life more together much more often then us guys. With that being said... I should be able to just walk up to a woman(close friend or stranger) and say, "I see/heard you're having some trouble there, do you need to talk. Is there a way I can help?"

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

Because women are more like cats. They are the most independent little thing you've ever seen in your entire life that likes to act like they are in control of everything in the world, even if they are sick, hurt, tired, starving and/or dying. Have you ever had a cat sitting outside of the screen door in the middle of the night


going.... *meow* *meow* *meow* *meow*



and your like, "Maybe if I pretend I don't hear it, it will go away." But of course it doesn't so you finally GET UP and walk over to the door and open it and what does the cat do? Does it run in???

NOOOOOOOO.......

It's just like all of your's and my female friends and girlfriends.... I'm broke, I need a new job, I have goals and dreams, why can't I find a nice guy, I'm lonely. *Meow* *Meow* So we finally walk up to the *Meow*I don't want my Meow Mix and you open up the door and go, "Come On In!". And nope just like a cat... they just sit there and blankly stare at you right in front of the door "Well I'm not really sure if I want to come in right now. I mean to be honest I know I was whinning on Monday but it's Friday now. And I sort of like my job, money not that important anyways. And I'm happy being single, I don't need a man for anything." And you're like, "What the hell? Are you for real???". You're been whinning for 5 DAYS straight or I wouldn't even talk to you. And what happens when you try to be a "nice guy" to get the cat to come in? "Come on little putty cat. *Kiss* *Kiss* Come on kitty kitty kitty. Come on little kitty." Does that ever help? Does begging EVER help??? NO! And neither does it work with women. So what do you have to do? You have to go "FINE!!!" And you got pretend you're walking away and slowly close the door. And as soon as that door closes 3/4 of the way.... that cat goes... "Meeeeeeoooooow" *Zips through the door*

And have you ever been in a group of women trying to decide what to do? They are so independent, and the more attractive the woman the more stubbornly independent they become. That's why getting a group of woman to follow a single course of action is like trying to "herd cats".

That's why you see women with more guy friends then girl friends cause...

who wants to be friends with a cat???

And also I kind of like the dog analogy of men. Dogs are strong, intelligent, lovable, loyal, protective, and friendly. With the proper love, care and trainning they can do all kinds of tricks....



for the right treat just like men. You can yell at them, walk all over them, kick them away, and generally treat them like crap one day, and the next, they are your best friend again trying to lick your face and hump your leg, just like men.

So when a woman says all men are dogs, you can say, "Yeah well what's your favorite pet?"

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Well I'd love to continue my little rant because it's always a pleasure, yet... time advances, and we stand still, the world moves, and we are idle, random events are transpiring that demand our attention, and we need but observe....

Random event followed by random event.

A young man makes a desicion while sitting in a tree at the rim of Ka'au Crater overlooking Palolo Valley. A woman slams her glass down in Waikiki and says "No more!" for the last time.

6 months passed.... During that period in one time zone an arbitrary numbering system of days rolls over from 4/30 to 5/1. Classes had moved toward it's ineviable end but had not ended yet. And above the infinite stars, on one small secluded beach in the corner of a nameless pacifc island, two being who meant nothing in the vast grand scheme of the universe, and who meant everything.....
prepare for their half-year anniversary date.


The clouds cleared, the earth turned, the chaotic randomness of events within it merely an illusion... had anyone been there to see and understand the connected pattern.

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~LYCAT~